To Invoke the Tomatoes Or Not to Invoke the Tomatoes? That Is the Question.

Tomatoes are fine and dandy when consumed in moderation (like two per day and no more) and only if they are the tiny cherry sized ones (a.k.a. cherry tomatoes). I dunno about you guys, but I actually get sick after eating more than three even though they are so good (I promise there is a point to this story that doesn't involve me getting sick, so just hold on for a bit). I recently had a conversation involving tomatoes with my grandmother. I told her that they were pretty good, but I could only stand to eat a few. She took it to mean that they were my favorite food and that I eat them every day, all day (seriously, I don't think she ever actually listens to a word I say). Because of this little conversation, she went on a food rampage (which usually involves her buying large quantities of foods that I don't want and/or don't eat) and bought two huge basket things full of the stuff. She called me telling me to come to her house immediately because it was an "emergency" (this was when the squirrel decided to charge me), and she "conveniently" forgot to tell me that it was an emergency because she didn't have room to store the tomatoes until I got around to visiting her. Actually, she didn't mention the tomatoes at all. So, now I have a refrigerator full of rotting tomatoes that I don't want. I've been trying to make my way through them, but at the rate I'm going, I won't finish in time before they rot. Also, my Guinea pigs refuse to come near them, so I can't get rid of them that way either. Sigh. I don't want to waste them. If anyone wants half rotten tomatoes, give me a call. Seriously. Going see a bad performance soon and need something to throw in order to express pure disgust? I got you covered over here! Wanna play a prank on someone and don't have anything in which to prank them with? Tomatoes are the perfect choice! I'm not sure how you would use them to prank someone, but I bet you'll figure something out! In need of some fake blood for whatever disturbing reason you have? I feel like tomatoes could be the perfect substitute for ketchup! Maybe! Ate too much food out of your refrigerator when you weren't supposed and need something to fill it up in order to cover your tracks! Tomatoes take up a lot of space! Trust me! I should know! Just want something to eat because you are starving and have nothing else to eat? Nothing beats a refreshing, rotting tomatoe in this heat! I guarantee it'll provide minimal damage to your health (only if consumed in Kansas)! Sheesh. I feel like I'm in one of those infomercials with the peppy announcer who's trying to sell worthless junk to some clueless fool. Not that you guys are clueless fools!!! Nooooooooo. I would never, ever, ever say something like that to valued readers... But, seriously, someone take these bloody tomatoes away!!! If I eat another one, they might outrank bananas on foods that I absolutely hate, will not touch, and will not look at. You don't want that do you? Bananas have already scarred me. Don't let the tomatoes do the same to poor, wittle, old me. Pwease?

- Delanna