Pastafarians Scare Me

In today's WHAP class, we randomly start talking about Pastafarians. I'm not sure why or how we came to be on the subject, but we did. Before this conversation, I knew about them. Vaguely, but I knew about them. Anyway, Pastafarians, or the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, oppose the teaching of intelligent design and creationism in public schools. Most outsiders consider this to be a parody religion, but others believe that it is a legitimate religion because it does have a deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. This so-called religion was started by Bobby Henderson, who believed that intelligent design should never be taught in public schools. He argued that his beliefs in the His Noodly Appendage were just as legit as any beliefs in intelligent design. Because of this, his "spaghetti monster" became the symbol of opposition to intelligent design.

Interested in Joining?

• Simply wish that you are part of the church, and you are an official member.
• You do not need to:
• Participate in any sort of ceremony
• Pay any sort of fee
• Make any sort of promise or pledge
• Give up your current religion
• Know anything about Pastafarianism
• Have a literal belief in the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Supreme Deity:

• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• Invisible
• Omnipotent
• Takes the form of a giant clump of spaghetti with two meatballs and eyes
• Created the universe in four days and rested for the remaining three

Holy Beings:

• Pirates
• Absolute divine beings
• Original Pastatarians
• Peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will
• Fight global warming 
• Protect from natural disasters 
• Every Pastafarian should strive to be more like them

Afterlife:

• I had better not repeat this...
• Let's just say pervs would be very, very happy once they're dead... 

Dogma:

• The only dogma allowed in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the rejection of any and all dogmas...

The Eight Commandments:

• Given the the pirate, Captain Mosey, by the Flying Spaghetti Monster
• On the way down from the mountain, Mosey dropped the commandments and broke two, so now there are eight commandments
• The surviving commandments are:
• I'd really rather you didn't act like sanctimonious, holier-than-thou *** when describing My Noodly Goodness (I cannot repeat some of this).
• I'd rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others.
• I'd rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, okay?
• I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or you willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity.
• I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynist, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach.
• I'd really rather you didn't build multi-million dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to My Noodly Goodness when the money could be better spent on (take your pick):
• Ending poverty.
• Curing diseases.
• Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable.
• I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you.
• I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it.

Creation Story:

• The invisible and undetectable Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe after drinking heavily
• His intoxication is what caused a flawed Earth
• The Flying Spaghetti Monster is always there changing the results with His Noodly Appendages

Holidays:

• Every Friday: Fridays are Pastafarian's Sabbath day and is a day for rest and enjoyment
• Ramendan: A month of sacrifice where Pastafarians only eat pasta and other noodle dishes after sundown (dates vary form year to year)
• Pastover: Pastafarians enjoy feasts of pasta, dress like pirates, and partake in the traditional passing of the eye patch (dates vary from year to year but usually occurs in March or April)
• Talk Like A Pirate Day: Pretty much self-explanatory, and pirate costumes are recommended but not required (September 19th)
• Halloween: Pastafarians are required in dress like pirates (October 31st)
• Holiday: Pastafarians celebrate a vaguely defined Christmas-like event in late December any way they like, but it usually involves pirates and pasta (no specific date given by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

The Gospel of The Flying Spaghetti Monster

• Holy text
• Was written by the founder and prophet in order to fund a pirate ship that he would use to spread his noodly religion

The Loose Canon, the Holy Book of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

• More holy text
• Filled with prayers and texts
• Examples of text:
• "I am the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Thou shalt have no other monsters before Me (afterwards is okay; just use protection). The only Monster who deserves capitalization is Me! Other monsters are false monsters, undeserving of capitalization." - Suggestions 1:1
• "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was 'Arrrgh!'" - Piraticus 13:7
• Example of prayers:
• Our Pasta, who "Argh" in heaven, swallowed be thy shame. Thy Midgit come. They Sauce be yum, on top some grates Parmesan. Give us this day our garlic bread. And give us our cutlasses, as we swashbuckle, splice the main-brace and cuss. And lead us into temptation, but deliver us some Pizza. For thine are Meatballs, and the beer, and the strippers, for ever and ever. RAmen.
• Hail Marinara, full of spice, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is filled with thee. Tasty are thou amongst sauces, and blessed is the fruit of thy jar, tomatoes (although fools believe they are vegetables). Holy Marinara, chief amongst toppings, save a plate for us now, and at about 6 o'clock when dinner is served, if you would be so kind. RAmen.

I don't know about you, but I'm shaking in fear. If you made this far, and you're NOT SCARED OUT OF YOUR WITS, then you have nerves of steel. Besides, that's not even half of what I found out about Pastafarians. If you're really curious, go look up the rest on your own time. I think it's horrible how they've twisted other people's religions into this, but I guess they have a right to...?

- Delanna