Wednesday, March 2, 2016

10 Reasons Why I'm Not a Superhero

Everyone loves a good superhero. Whether you are a DC fan or a Marvel fan doesn't matter in the end because a superhero is a superhero. Someone who stands up against injustice when others don't or won't. Everyone has their favorite superhero, and at one point in their life, they have contemplated trying the life of a superhero. Well, at least I have. Every time I saw a vat of toxic waste, I debated whether or not I should jump in and take my chances. Or every time a major storm was brewing outside, I debated whether or not I should climb a roof or tree with a whole bunch of toxic chemicals. But, in the end, I never did any of those things or any of the other thousand or so ideas that crossed my mind because of these ten simple reasons:

1. Half of the cool superheros have capes. Capes require intense concentration and gracefulness so as not to get caught on something. Let's get real. I'm a complete klutz. I would trip and get my cape caught in a door or something while trying to take out a bad guy, or even worse, I would get caught in a turbine and die after getting chopped to pieces. So, in the words of Edna Mode, "NO CAPES!"


2. Latex just isn't my thing. I'm sorry, but I just don't see myself trying to pull on a bloody latex suit every time I had to save the world again. No way. I just feel like it would be painful...


3. I don't have some tragic back story. Any decent superhero has an epic, tragic back story that just defines their existence. The most tragic thing that ever happened to me was going to bed without supper after giving my sister a "free" haircut. I feel like its not tragic enough to make me hate evil and forge a path of justice that insures that no one has to ever go through what I went through again.


4. I'm not so good with secrets. I can't even tell a halfway decent lie, so if someone was like where were after I finished saving an old grandma from killer robotic bananas (which would never actually happen because I just hate bananas - sorry old lady) and was supposed to be at some super important meetings, I would probably come up with a super lame lie like "I had to go water my oven" causing everyone to figure out that I was, in fact, a super. It would never work out. I would last maybe a week, tops, before someone found me out. I also don't have an epic secret identity to begin with like a multi-billionaire doctor or something similar to that. All the good superheros have epic, rich secret identities, but I would wind up being that lame hero who is really a garbageman.


5. I don't have an awesome sidekick who has my back twenty-four seven, which is actually a bit depressing. In order to be a top-notch superhero, you gotta have a sidekick. It's just standard protocol, and I don't have one (unless you count my sister who would maybe have my back if I paid her enough, but then again she would probably stab me in the back at a moment's notice and join the other side...).


6. I don't have a super weakness that I would have to overcome before the huge, scary doomsday device blew up so that I could save the world. Sure, I have fears and things that I don't like. For example, I hate bananas, but they don't cause me to be paralyzed or anything. If I had to, I would tolerate them until I pressed the self-destruct button on the doomsday device which would make for an extremely boring story that no one would buy and read or make movies about.


7. Every superhero has some sort of epic secret hideout stuffed full of spare uniforms, the latest tech toys, and sometimes a personal prison full of psychos. I have nothing that even compares! My room is the least secretive thing to have existed. I don't have epic toys that could melt a door in a second or cause serious hearing problems from one sonic blast. And the worst thing of all, I don't have any psychos living under my room in some secret prison I created that the government doesn't even know about. It's just a four-walled, average sized bedroom filled with useless junk (sorry stuff that I own).


8. I have no sense of fashion, and therefore, I don't have a wicked, cool costume that defines me and would cause my enemies to tremble in fear. All I have in terms of a uniform is my school uniform, but I can't fight evil is a skirt! What if there is a strong wind or something? I would get a mouth full of skirt, and the bad guy would take advantage of that by escaping!


9. There is no one who hates me so much that they proclaim themselves my archenemy and spend every waking moment of their day plotting my early demise. I mean, sure, I have people that hate me, probably talk about me behind my back, and occasionally think about ways to take me out, but do they have cool costumes and actually follow through with their plans to off me? NO! I mean come on people who hate me! At least make yourselves interesting by coming after me with a banana gun or maybe even a meat ray! Anything would work as long as you actually attempted to get rid of me, the person who haunts your thoughts and causes you to lose sleep over the stomach-wrenching pain that hatred causes! It's super pathetic when you go through the steps halfway. You at least bothered to hate me which is good. Very good, in fact, but you could go even further by destroying me inch-by-inch.


10. I DON'T HAVE SUPERPOWERS! That's like a must have to be an awesome superhero (I mean there are exceptions, but everything has an exception making those exceptions boooooring). There is no way I would run into danger unless I had some superpower backup with me. Since I wasn't born with superpowers, I would have to like mutate my genes in order to adapt some superpowers, but what if something goes wrong? What happens if I, say, mutated into some banana person thing? I just couldn't live with myself. Or what if I got epic superpowers, but there were too many cons that I couldn't live with? For example, let's say I somehow got super speed. Whenever I would run, I would inevitably swallow who knows how many bugs during the few seconds I was running which would make me the worst vegetarian in the existence of humankind since bugs are technically animals. Sometimes taking risks and jumping into toxic vats of anything just isn't worth it.


After considering these facts, it's clear I just don't have what it takes to don a mask and costume and save the world from every evil that dares to step out of the shadows. I think it is best for me to keep on with my regular life and try not to endanger people by saving them. But who knows? I may actually be a superhero and you would never know because there might be a chance I wrote this in order to confuse you with reverse-psychology. ;)

- Delanna

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