Wednesday, March 23, 2016

My Klutziest Moments

Let's get real. I'm a complete klutz. I've always been one, and I'll probably always be one in the future unless a miracle happens causing me to somehow stop being a klutz. Anyway, I've done some things in my time like the usual falling down stairs, tripping, and whatnot, but what I'm about to tell you right now are my seven klutziest moments you'll probably never hear about from me again (seriously because after this, I'm never talking about them again).

1. When I was in seventh grade, I was playing soccer and managed to nearly knock myself out by running into the goal post. I had just scored a goal, but I had too much momentum and was too close to the goal to stop in time. So, naturally, I hit the goal post and knocked myself flat on the ground. I hit so hard I was seeing stars, and I was like I'm fine. The ref didn't think so, and since I was not going to get off that field without a fight, he gave me a yellow card because "I was a danger to myself" and made me sit out the rest of the game. Well, the joke was on him because there was only two minutes remaining, so ha. After the game, I randomly asked him to sign the yellow card. I'm not entirely sure why, but ya know, he was nice enough to do it I guess.

2. I have somehow managed to run into the automatic doors at Hobby Lobby, They don't open really fast, but I was walking super fast. I wound up running right into them, and pretty much all the people at the checkouts were staring at me. I swear at least three of them were laughing at me. Well, maybe I like running into doors. Did you ever think of that?

3. Sophomore year, I tripped near a staircase while holding my laptop, and the stupid thing flew out of my hands down half a flight of stairs. It was horrifying. I wound up getting a loaner for about the first half of the year or so, and that's when I started get loaners for loaners because I seem to break every bloody piece of technology I touch.

4. Have you ever managed to face-plant in a cake? Well, I have. When I was about six or seven (I forget because my birthdays seem to run together), my foot caught on the rug, and I tripped into the cake. My face went right into it. It was pretty cool, and it wasn't like anyone else was going to eat it since no one actually showed up. It was pretty convenient, and I checked something of ye old bucket list (but I kinda want to do it again).

5. I absolutely hate carrying breakable things. I just know I'm going to trip, and whatever is in my hand will go flying (maybe thinking this way causing it, but I can't help it). This one time, my grandmother had me polish her teapot collection (I swear her collection is infinite), and I was holding one from China or something. I tripped over her cat (a very fat, lazy thing), and all I could think was OH MY GOSH THIS THING IS GONNA BREAK. I don't know how I managed this since the teapot had already left my grasp at this point, but I somehow caught the stupid thing and turned to where my back was falling toward the ground and fell hard on the treadmill my grandmother keeps by her table. It was painful, but at least the teapot was safe (though I think I have permanent damage or something from this).

6. I almost caused Father Cleo, the head priest at Mercy, to catch on fire. Ever since he started making altar servers carry these candle things up to the altar I knew it was only a matter of time. Someone (not necessarily me) was going to trip and put the candle to close to his greasy hair (he uses a surprising amount of hair product for a priest) causing it to light up the church. Well, I was altar serving in robes that where way to big for me, so when Father Cleo pushed me forward, I tripped on the hem of my huge rube causing the candle to go the other way towards him and come waaaaay to close to his head. But, hey, that was his own fault for pushing a klutz.

7. Last, but certainly not least, this one time, I fell off a waterfall. No, it wasn't a really big one. No, it wasn't deadly. No, I wasn't seriously injured. But should it have happened? No. I slipped on a rock, fell down, and pretty much slid off the edge of the waterfall. While I wasn't seriously injured, I was seriously wet and miserable (now, I sound like Delaney).

- Delanna

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