I'm super depressed right now. Which shouldn't be a thing since it's like the Christmas holiday and everything. But, I am. Maybe some people would think this is a stupid reason to be depressed, but right now, this incident has overturned my entire life. I really feel like venting, so please hang in there with me for just a little while until it's all over, okay? I promise I won't mention any names or anything. Lately, I've been having a very rocky relationship with someone to where I can't even tell if we are friends or not, but today, I think it's relatively safe to say that person will probably never talk to me again. And, it's over the stupidest thing ever. Recently, when I was heading off to bed, said person sent me a very lengthy text explaining certain things to me and how they stood. While they claimed that they weren't lashing out at me, they kind of were, and they could have used a bit more finesse when saying what they did. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that they most certainly did not have to say it the way they did. They could have said it a lot more gently to where it wouldn't have crushed my feelings. I don't even know where this text came from. It was the most random thing ever. Since coming home, I have kept contact with this person to a minimal because it was awkward between us. The only time I reached out (after a lot of debate and anxiety, mind you) was to ask if they wanted to hang out in order to catch up. That was all. I didn't mean anything deeper than that. So, when I suddenly received this text, I couldn't help but ask why they suddenly felt the need to bring this up and rub it in my face. They told me that someone had heard it from someone else and told the person who told him. Both of these people are people I've never gotten along with and don't trust, and the person who was texting me knows that. All too well. Which leads me to the question of why did they believe them? Apparently, what was said to the person in question was overheard from a conversation I had with someone and then twisted out of context when told to the next person. That person took the information and twisted it even more out of context before telling the person who was texting me. It started out as something that was a simple statement of fact and turned into something so embarrassing that makes me look like some clingy idiot who can't get over anything. I literally just want to die now. The two people who spread that information out of context are literally sticking their noses into business that they have no busy with to begin with. But, then again, I don't know why this surprises me. It's always been this way ever since I first met them. I don't know why I thought anything had changed since I moved to, you know, a completely different state to escape it all. Yes, that's one of the reasons why I chose to move and attend an out-of-state college. It was because I enjoy running away from my problems. I literally just wanted to leave all the problems and people I didn't get along with that were leftover from high school that seemed to follow me everywhere, but apparently, it didn't work because they won't leave me alone. I mean, seriously, is it too much to ask for? Some dang piece and quiet? After all this time? I mean grow up people! Just leave me alone! I don't know what I did that was so horrible to deserve this, but whatever it was, I really am sorry. I'm begging to leave me alone. I'm broken enough as it is already. I thought I was getting better, but no, I'm not. That was ruined for me. Just like everything else. I honestly don't think I can take much more since it's been going on for so long. I'm tired of the leftover mental damage from keeping all this bottle up. I literally having problems trusting people I haven't known for 10+ years because of this. And, on top of that, I find that I can't even talk to people normally like I used to in fear that what I say will get twisted around like that again. I'm tired. I'm so tired of living in fear like this. Whether it's a fear of those around me. Or a fear of getting hurt again. But, I can't do anything about it because I'm trapped by this fear. No amount of counseling is gonna help me. I'm broken, and when a person breaks, it's just like glass. No matter how hard you try, you lose pieces, and some pieces just never fit back together no matter how many times you glue them and try to force them back together. Seriously, just how low is rock bottom? I thought I hit rock bottom a long time ago but apparently not. Apparently, I'm still falling. Only, now, it's faster than ever. I thought I was getting better, you know, after meaning the person I was texting with, but because I was stupid and decided to follow some stupid dream that will literally never come true, I've lost everything. I've lost my home, the place where I grew up, and on top of that, I've lost my friends and relationships that I've spent years building. I'm stuck in plane in the sky that's falling with no way to steer it. It's all over. And no one is to blame but myself and my stupid decisions. I wonder if I had chose differently, would everything be different? Would it be better? Or a hundred times worse?
- Delanna
P.S. I'm sorry about how confusing this whole post is and how hard it is to follow. It's literally just me venting. I won't act on any of this. I'll just keep drifting on like normal. I'm too much of a coward to do otherwise.
No comments:
Post a Comment