Sometimes, I Wish I Couldn't Feel Anything...At All...

I like to think that I control my emotions relatively well. I don't feel too much to begin with (at least not like the normal person), and even when I do feel something, I'm amazing at hiding it. I just can't express myself, you know? It's hard for me, and I don't think people fully understand it. It's not that I don't want people to know how I feel (though there are quite a few exceptions). It's just that I don't know how to outwardly express it. Which is the main cause of many of my troubles. Like for today, for example. I found something out that I didn't necessarily ever want to know because knowing it crushed me. I was honestly surprised by the amount of pain it caused me. I had never been hurt so much by something like this. Not even form years of bullying. I'm not even sure what you would call the emotion itself. Anger? Sadness? Disgust? Fear? I don't know. It's kinda sad how even I can't tell what I'm feeling most of the time. Actually, it's not just sad. It's pathetic. Anyway, when I found out about this something that I didn't want to know, I was just over come by my emotions. It was terrifying. And, it scared my roommate, too, because she said I had never expressed any kind of emotion like that before. It's not like I have emotophobia or anything like that. I don't fear emotions themselves. It's just scary to breakdown like I did. No, that's not really it. I think what terrified me the most about all of this was the fact that I could have sworn that I heard my mind literally snap. That's some pretty deep stuff right there, no? I actually think it was caused by the fact that I've been overworking myself lately and was depressed to begin with (today just hasn't been I fun day at all). I kinda just wish that I couldn't feel anything at all right now. I know I'm already a bit emotionally dead, but as of right now, I wish I was completely free of emotions. I'm just tired, you know? I feel like if that happened, I could finally get some rest.

- Delanna

P.S. Sorry if literally none of that made sense. It's just been a super long day. Actually, a super long week. I keep forgetting to actually post my stuff and everything. I could really use a break just about now.

P.P.S. My roommate is taking me to McDonald's to cheer me up, and we're going hunt for generation two Pokemon since they were just released. Isn't she the best?!