Movie Theaters Are the Very Definition of Evil

Have you people seen the new luxury loungers at the Cinemark at Perkins Rowe?! Those things are evil. Literally evil. First, who wants to reserve a seat beforehand? It destroys the fun of scrambling around frantic while trying to find the remaining seats. Now, I know exactly where I sit before I even walk into the theater which is just boring. Another thing is that the seats themselves favor taller people. Short people like me? We just get lost in the stupid chair. At least I do. My head falls where the chair sticks out to support the neck, so sitting there for two to three hours is one of the most painful experiences I've ever had. I miss the old seats. The ones that had popcorn in the cushions, soft drink stairs on the backs, and God only knows what underneath them. It was like a treasure chest full of surprises that you didn't necessarily want to know about, and that's what made them so much fun. Without them, it just doesn't feel the same, and it probably will never feel like a true movie theater again.

- Delanna

Why Won't It Turn Blue Already?!

There are some days that I hate having blonde hair, and no, it's not because of the dumb blonde jokes. It's because blonde is yellowish, right? And, my favorite color is blue. Obviously. Blue added to yellow makes green which means no matter how many times I dye my hair without bleaching it first, I will always wind up with green hair. Heck, I can't even call the color of my hair green. It's more of a teal color. It's actually depressing. I've been experimenting for years now trying to turn my hair blue, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I guess if I gave in and used bleach, I might be able to get what I want, but that's never gonna happen. I hate bleach. What a horrible substance.

- Delanna

P.S. This literally the only dumb blonde joke that I know. How do you kill a dumb blonde? You put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. HAHAHAHA. No. Not funny at all. Who finds these stupid things funny anyway?!

That Awkward Moment When Your Washing Machine Breaks Down

Has your washing machine ever just broken down out of the blue? Well, the one at my house just took its last breath. The repairman said it needed several parts that were relatively easy to get, but they wouldn't be able to come in until like Monday. Joy. So, now, we have no way to doing the laundry at our house, so my dad decided to go to the laundromat. I was given the task of stuffing all of our dirty clothes bags into huge, black garbage bags and lugging them out with my dad to his car. While we were dragging out these suspicious bags, a kid who lives down the street from us stopped and asked us if we were hiding a body because if we were, he totally wanted to help us hide it. I told him that unfortunately, it wasn't a body, and even if I was hiding a body, I wouldn't make it so suspicious looking. I'm not that stupid. If I really did have a body, I would cut it up into small pieces or something and bury it in a recently dug grave. But, alas, by the end of the day, all I had was ten "freshly" (how fresh can you get using a filthy laundromat?) cleaned bags of clothes and no freshly hidden bodies of my enemies (boy, do I have a lot of those). Oh well. Maybe next time my washing machine breaks...

- Delanna

P.S. And, here's where I write my disclaimer. I have never hidden a body (not like I would actually tell you if I did or didn't), nor have I ever ended a person's life to where I would need to hide their body. Also, I never intend on claiming someone's life no matter how much they tick me off. :)

Her Biggest Insult Was Calling Me a Burrito...

All siblings fight. If you have a sibling of some sort, ya know what I'm talking about. Well, I got in this strange argument with my sister today about how stores should always have an exit for ninjas only (see the picture below) when Delaney sorta lost it (probably because I was right, and she knew it). She started trying to insult me, but the worst thing she could come up with was calling me a burrito... Clearly, she is terrible at insults. I kinda hope she meant a vegetarian burrito or something.

- Delanna

P.S. I've never eaten a burrito before. Is that normal or weird? You decide.

Yes, Child, Eat the Rose Petals Because That's Totally Healthy

Last day! Officially conquered! Finally! It's a huge relief especially considering how to day went. It all started with the roses and the storyteller. It was terrible. You would never think those things could ever lead to something so horrible, but they can. I mean, seriously, what kind of storyteller uses roses (with the over sized thorns) as a prop and then gives them to small children?! After messing around with the roses, the kids started EATING them to "destroy the pretty little things" (their words, NOT mine). I don't mind if they randomly start wanting to eat flowers from who knows where, but I would prefer it if they would at least wash them off first. But, no, apparently they taste better unwashed. Chemicals and everything else that may be on it included... Also, I feel like swallowing thorns is a bit unsafe, but apparently, in the eyes of the kids, it's perfectly safe. The parents had better not blame me if their kid chokes or slices their throat open or gets indigestion from whatever chemicals may have been on that stupid plant. I can only do so much. It's their responsibility to teach their kids what to eat and what not to eat. At least, that's my philosophy. Clearly, I will never be fit to be a parent.

- Delanna

The Bigger Jungle Gym Vs. the Smaller Jungle Gym - How the Smaller One Really Won

So, the small children in my group were using me as a jungle gym (again). This time we were outside doing "outdoor activities" (worst idea ever). Devin's mom works it every year, and Devin (a.k.a. my archenemy) usually shows up, too, but this year, he kinda stopped coming. Probably because he thinks he's too cool to volunteer for VBS and work with kids any more. Well, he wound up showing up just to build and continuously launch a rocket for children which leads me to believe he was coerced into coming by his mom. Anyway, while the small children were climbing on me, Devin walked up and told them that I wasn't suited for climbing because I wasn't tall enough. He claimed that he was a much better jungle gym because he is much taller. I know he was trying to insult my height like usual, but the joke was on him because the kids immediately started to climb on him. And not me. So, in a way, I won. Not him. Bwahahaha. I'm so petty about these things, but who cares? That's one more mark in my win column and one more mark in his utter defeat column.

- Delanna

P.S. Every time one of his rockets broke, Devin would lean over the rocket while holding the launch button. Is it sad that I wanted him to accidentally press it and launch a rocket into his face?

We're All Gonna Die Becuase the Popcorn Touched the Pretzel!

The end of the world is coming!!! Heaven forbid that the popcorn touches those sketchy pretzels!!! Hahaha. No. I hate to break it to you, but the world is most definitely not going to end just because some snack food got mixed in the bowl. I mean, I kinda felt sorry for the little girl because she refused to eat it and wound up starving herself over her belief that the mixing of snack food brings the end of the world, but then again, it's a pretty far-fetched idea for a child to have. Why is she even worrying about the end of the world? The kid is like in fourth grade and already worries about the end of the world. When I was her age, I thought about CAUSING the end of the world. Not about what may ACTUALLY cause it. I have to wonder, though, exactly what causes her to believe that mixing snack food will cause the end of the world? Was it an unstable family situation where one parent was in a romantic relationship with a snack food of some sort? Or was it a bad run in with mixed snack food as child? Who knows? I tried to sit her down and calm her after she had a pretty nasty fit. I explained to her that snack food simply cannot cause the end of the world because I'm going to end it first. I don't think she believed me. Or even understood what I was saying. She just kept moaning about pretzels being sketchy and how they exploded. I'm not really sure how pretzels explode but whatever. I may have caused some permanent damage or something because she wasn't the same for the rest of the day, and she started avoiding me and refused to come near me... I wonder how that happened...

- Delanna